Derek Fender Corner

The forthcoming return to Walthamstow has raised some serious concerns  this week from the English Defence League's supporters, most noticeably the question of where they are going to go to conduct their bathroom business and quite rightly so.

Pointing  Percy at the porcelain is a time honoured tradition at drink fuelled EDL demos but they are more than happy to point Percy at a church wall if there is no ceramic, whilst simultaneously ridding the streets of Islamics.

Our picture to the left shows leading EDL highly trained toilet terrorist, Kevin Smith, holding off 4,000 angry Muslamics whilst protesting about a portashitter that was rumoured to be turning into a 25,000 all seater mosque in the West Midlands, back in the day when the EDL were coining in money from tacky hoodie sales, gas masks and other stuff.

Many will be needing the toilet if the ailing organisation intends on taking their shipped in racists to an area of east London which neither needs them or wants them there and are not afraid to make their feelings known.

As readers will know, on their last visit they were kettled without rest rooms for several hours whilst leaders Tommy Robinson and Kevin Carroll fled the scene, leaving them all trapped with a lot of Stella needing releasing and a lot of trousers already released in.

One hapless EDL supporter wanted reassurance that he will be able to take a dump with minimal hassle and received a rather terse response suggesting he takes some bog roll with him.

We suspect the EDL cannot afford to provide basic conveniences for their supporters after Tommy's jet setting trips to the United States and Italy where he made the trip to Florence to pick up some 'prestigious' award given to him by some little known group of fascists.

We contacted a leading portable bog supplier to get a quote for the EDL. Based on an estimated 200 attending, the fierceness of the opposition they will face and which kebab shop they used the night before, we estimated that they would require three portable shithouses to sustain the queue length for each convenience at no more than ten 'patriots' deep at any one time, with an estimated queuing time of 24 minutes.

Based on five crappers, rental for the day came in at around £340 which is probably the cost of a return Luton to Florence flight to pick up a 'prestigious' award from some little known Nazi group. This included delivery and collection and some flowers for the ladies toilet.

We also looked at an alternative option, a caravan converted into lavvies which we found on Auto Mart. It features an arsedrop/floor hole system with 4 holes and room for four 4lt buckets underneath. It also has a one door entry/exit arrangement and a small anti chamber where EDLers can wash their hands in a bucket of pigs blood. Previous owners were some careful farmers.

The online Auto Mart toilet trader, named IWOULDNOTGOINTHERE4ABIT offers the carabog for £65, a complete bargain and it has the ability to hook up to the back of Tommy's Renault Espace.

We appeal to Tommy and Kevin to put their hands into their pockets and give these brave patriots some basic human rights and dignity and not force them to soil themselves in some back street. Afterall, how can you defend England when you are concentrating on offloading half a pound of prime Dundee cake into the neck of a Stella bottle?

The EDL need us as their leadership no longer give a shit about them now they have fleeced them.  With an estimated two in three EDL supporters suffering from diarrhea on a typical Saturday afternoon, it is surely against the Human Rights Act which they want to abolish.  

Please retweet under our campaign hashtag -  #savetheirdignity